Sisters in Solidarity

Domestic or intimate partner abuse and violence is one of the most complex, misunderstood and controversial crimes of society. It is selective and exclusive with the highest ratio being perpetrated by a male partner against his female partner. The crime is committed for the most part behind closed doors and falsely deemed to be a ‘private’ and family matter. Abuse has no economic, social or cultural barriers. No woman is immune to being a victim of physical, sexual, psychological, financial or spiritual abuse.

Statistically in Canada one in four women are abused. In the U.S. one in three women are abused with an average of three deaths occurring on a daily basis or 1,100 deaths annually. Tragically, there is a marked increase in teen and date violence.

The first step in ending domestic violence is to stop blaming the victim and begin holding abusers accountable. We need to stop asking women why they stay and ask the abuser why they abuse. We need to stop allowing abusers to use alcohol/drug dependency, anger issues, a fallen economy or witnessing violence as a child as excuses for their behaviour. They are separate issues and should be addressed as such. Once a man hits a woman, it seems he will hit her again regardless of his promises to refrain from assaulting her.

The second step is to support women who have been battered and abused without being judgmental. Women who have been victimized have done nothing wrong, nor should family or friends consider them accountable for being a contributor to the abuse by either remaining or leaving the relationship.

Women who are battered are statistically assaulted 35 times before they reach out for crisis intervention. Women in this position are often emotionally distraught, overwhelmed and confused as to why they are being beaten physically and psychologically by a partner who professes to love them. No woman is deserving of such treatment. However, there are no easy answers to ending the abuse. Leaving a relationship can be just as dangerous as remaining in it.

Women who have been battered can be overwhelmed by the judicial system. Criminal court cases typically take a significant time to come to fruition. Recidivism is high in domestic cases and if an abuser is obsessed with his victim he will breach bail, bond, probation and parole conditions as a further method to control her through fear.

It is well documented that some abusive partners use the Family court system as a method to further harass the victim by seeking sole custody of their children. Some women who have been assaulted have been known to state that the abuse is only directed towards her and the partner is a good father. However, at Sisters in Solidarity we think that good and caring fathers do not abuse the mother of their children nor subject their children to be a witness to it.

Women at risk need a full range of support. Legally, they need to retain or be provided with the services of qualified lawyers who have a full comprehension of domestic violence. Shuttle mediation is an option where domestic violence is a factor. However, it is recommended that women should never enter into conflict resolution sessions where child custody is an issue.

The abuser often has a distorted perception that they have the right to abuse a woman, sometimes even to kill her, if she doesn’t meet his demands. All too often we have heard the statement that ‘If you won’t live with me, you will not live without me.’ Women have predicted their own deaths based on their knowledge of the capabilities of their abuser. In memory of the women we have lost to violence, Sisters in Solidarity has been recording a femicide list of women murdered in the Greater Toronto Area since the early 1990’s. (Please see the Memorials section of the SiS website.)

Regardless of all the obstacles, barriers and challenges women who have been battered face in escaping a volatile relationship, such women need to be recognized and applauded for their courage and determination to seek a better life for themselves and their children.

The S.i.S. self-help group is designed to support and advocate for women who have been battered through their time of crisis. Our mandate is to protect women by offering anonymity, and our goal is to assist women in achieving self empowerment.

Barbara Mills,
Toronto based Domestic Violence Consultant

A Message from (SiS) Sisters in Solidarity- a self help and support group for
battered women. A subsidiary of Barbara Mills Enterprises

To break the cycle of domestic violence, we must all speak out against it regardless of gender.